PhD's

This post's function is an act of memory.

Pursuing a PhD is a long, arduous process. It's not even a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs. It's mostly just downs, survived by an intense concentration on hope - hope primarily for a better self, which is my job to remember, but also for a better future, which is my wife's job to remind me of. One must adore the subject matter and/or have some strong vested interest in it. This adoration and/or vested interest is the bettering of the self. However, the system, which involves the better future, is rough. There is, at least for me, a near constant self-doubt that this paper is not good enough for this professor. There is always a longing for more time, more concentration and more smartness to write better, more thorough analysis of any subject. The supporting material is always endless. There is also the constant self doubt, again - at least for me, that I won't have anything to offer my field of study, and, sometimes closely related, that I won't be able to find a job. I suppose this is a normal fear for everyone, but I think most people's preparation for their job is not so long nor so isolating.

Today, however, I received good news that I feel I must cling tightly to as long as the good feeling lasts in hopes that it will help me rebound from past negative views and provide comfort in dark places to come.

The last paper I wrote was on Wal-Mart. I didn't think it was a very good paper because I wasn't able to accomplish all that I set out to do. I feared a B, which in the world of PhD's is very bad. If you get one or two B's they start asking you if you're sure you're pursuing the right course. Once you have three B's, it becomes grounds for dismissal. I turned it in at the end of the summer, but my very busy professor just graded it yesterday. He emailed me congratulating me that it was a wonderful paper, an A+, and suggested a book that he is working on next year that he would like to (probably) put it into if I were to change a couple of things. Also, he suggested about 6 other publications (mostly journals, also Christianity Today) that he thought I should submit it to.

It's not often that joy so wells up within you that your tear ducts respond, but that just happened as I wrote the last couple of sentences. It has been a dream of mine for a long, long time to write things that would be published to a large Christian audience, challenging them. This is, I suppose, how I have begun more and more to interpret my calling, which I've always known was not a traditional preacher calling, and which I always knew (no, 'knew' is too strong a word - hoped) would involve writing. But despite the deep, rich hopes - not my will be done.

On a larger scale, as I step back from the first half of my PhD studies I find more cause to be happy. My GPA has increased with every degree I've earned. I have finished the required classes for my PhD and received A's in every class. This has been important from a financial standpoint as scholarships at a poorly funded school are very hard to come by, but more importantly it helps build my often fragile confidence that I am doing what I should be doing.

So, if in the coming months I post some dark entries about the sacrifices my chosen path entails, please remind me of this post.