This is a rough draft, but I'm interested in people's opinions, whether or not I'm getting across what I'm trying to.


I find God in church.


I find God in church. I know it’s an odd place to look, for as Whitman and Emerson taught us God is romantic, found only in surprise, offering flowers on a wooded walk, perhaps.

But I find her in church as the formulaic repetition of lyrics with its copyright entrails flowing out on the giant screen is read and I stand mothering my child, swaying her in my arms and she lays her head on my shoulder for this lullaby.

I find God here when without instruction the whole congregation sits at once, and I squat to a mass-produced stacking chair mysteriously placed yesterday morning in this line of lines specifically for me and removed immediately after I leave.

I find God in this tabernacle that screams a dearth of imagination and romance: a rectangular gym, medium quality surface, with out-of-bounds lines and a three-point arch. On one side, where stands should be, is the entrance and on the other is a stage, flanked by artistically deprived banners that enshrine mere words.

She meets me here, mostly in the sermon, since up til then the children demand. But after my offertory of delivering my kids to the nursery, I sit and breathe. The can is opened and the words flow out from the stage and hover above, and I find peace, beneath them, in my own mind finally allowed to wander. Occasionally a phrase falls from the sky re-directing my ambling, but mostly I am left to my mental movements, where God often walks with me and talks with me.

Then at the end of the service, this first week of the month, I commune God. A table at the front, portable and made of faux glass, ignoring Jesus’ words “this is my body, this is my blood,” centers the experience on “do this in remembrance.” Sterile elements passed, salted crackers cracked and amassed on a silver colored, red carpeted plate and bulk-bought grape juice in non-degradable plastic shot cups.

I feel centered, I ask forgiveness in preparation, I eat Christ, I drink Christ, I attack Christ with acids and break down Christ and redistribute Christ in unseen forms to dying cells throughout my body, a distribution which occurs as I, with three kids, shop for Sunday dinner's groceries.

He loves the dips to the street

He loves the dips to the street. The three to four inch change in elevation over a four foot span of sidewalk exhilarates him; he runs to get the fullest affect. The three inches leaves his heart just about where his throat ends up. He slows to a stop on the asphalt, laughs his grunty delight and then heads for the other side of the street, anticipating the parallel but opposite thrill, with more giggly expressions of an endorphin rush. His heart returns to its home and remembers its tactile search for wonder. There are leaves aplenty fallen and dried for the sole purpose of being crunched beneath his boots. He runs over a long stretch of blanketed concrete. But other leaves are too precious for destruction, in bright yellows and warm oranges, near enough to death to contain all the beauty of the world. These are rescued, hoisted and clutched with unrefined motor skills against his gut. At least until the red one is witnessed, not as large, but exquisite in rarity, three large pointed tips connected by tiny jagged edges. The hand and mind, unable to hold two things at once, reach out for the prize and the yellows and oranges fall a second fall.

“Come on Quinn,” I encourage him from 8 feet in advance. He responds to my tone and takes a few steps toward me until he reaches a crack in the sidewalk. The parkway tree that graces our shared sky with feather-light gold, has unleveled the sidewalk squares beneath. He stops, looks up at me and smiles as though I should know and then lifts one foot slowly up the elevation. He plants it and bounds forward with another guttural laugh. Before he reaches me, though, he stoops again to separate the beauty of sight from the beauty of sound.

I step back to take his hand and move him along, but he does not want to be hurried, so I pick him up and put him on my shoulders. He ducks, pressing his chest against the top of my head, and giggles as his cheek brushes our golden sky. As the gold becomes distant and the sky turns blue, he sits up and begins tapping the top of my head with open palms, as though my cranium is a hollow drum. I enter his musical exploration and clack my tongue each time he bangs. He begins to coo what I imagine is a song, and I suddenly notice layers of music around us. Birds of all kinds are bidding their farewells to warm rays of sunlight soon to abandon them. I am happy and feel in tune with him and us with nature.

As we leave the oak canvassed sidewalks of our street and head toward the building-flanked rushing traffic, a vision out of the corner of my eye cuts at my heart. I turn my head to look and find only an empty lot. Where did it go? What was it? I turn forward to continue our walk and his leg again swings into my peripherial vision. Below my left hand's grasp of his ankle: Quinn's foot – tiny and delicate, little piggies sucking a stuffed sow – encased in a brown leather boot fashioned after a work boot with white stitching and a long shoe string. It felt like innocence and promise: the baby boy becoming a life.

And as these feelings sunk in, I recognized the lack of harmony between his drumming and our nature. His cooing now less a song and more a sonnet; his hands not drumming but patting. And I remembered four or five times in the last week when he patted me on my back, or on the crease behind my knee, when he was happy. As the music faded and I realized these were love pats, he clutched the sides of my head with his elbows at my ears, his tiny palms on my temples, his ring fingers brusing the outskirts of my eyebrows, and he pressed his stomach into the back of my head, laying his chest atop my cranium and softly planted his cheek just above my forehead. With refined motor skills, his fingers clutched me against his gut. His inner thighs tighened slightly and with his elbows and cheek squeezing me and he let out a long, singular coo: the fullest and most pure sonnet ever performed.

Formation -

I realized today that I have not been allowing my circumstances to form me. I have instead been attempting to form my circumstances, which is of course impossible as long as God is still God and has not handed the reins over to me.

Lord, may I learn the lessons of patience you have surrounded me with. When I am punched by the blows of dishes piling and children screaming and bills demanding - knead my response.

May I be formed by the work you have placed before me. When the raw material is larger than the vision, and the discipline of chiseling is short-lived - sculpt my actions.

May rest breathe life. When time is free and stress calls for release, may I not comply with mindlessness, extricating life. Reveal in silence your Sovereignty, and know my inner thoughts.

The movements we make are making us.
---Kimerer LaMothe

Stay-at-home Controller -

They've done strange things to me.
My instant reactions are foreign,
for I knew a time when stress was
unknown.

But they have pressured me with the constant whining
with uncontrolled arms flung through calm surfaces of glassed milk
and uncontrolled volumes shouting infestivities.
They have pressured me with thoughts choosing unreason
and uncontrolled tongues
talking back.

They have, in fact, compacted my soul into a small, square box,
hard, determined and in charge - like a tank.
And as my stalwart box marches forward, with impenetrable demands,
it shouts orders and shame
obliterating free spirits.

But when roared order is reestablished,
I find their obedience and broken spirits
have chiseled my formidable box of a soul down
to reveal the idols that live there.

Idols of stone anger, hatred, disgust
idols of self
under control only when controlling.
Idols unbreathing, unalive, except when I bow.

The light of their humility now exposes me
on my knees.

LHC?

Somebody want to explain this thing to me?

http://www.lhc.ac.uk/

A dream -

I once had a dream
ten years ago
Overwhelmingly powerful
never before or since

I awoke with my heart just before me
drawing me up, forward
I laid there, stiff
my hands crossed upon my sunken chest
powerless to keep that caged bird safe

The dream was of my father. There were 200 mourning people in a horseshoe-shaped room, with a low ceiling and a low peninsular-shaped stage filled with flowers and a coffin. No one spoke, but the little air in the room was thick with grief like the early morning humidity of an April mountain.

I sat in the middle, on te 2nd row, and as I, with my head down and eyes shut, breathed, I could not help but take in their thoughts, absorbed into my bloodstream. Most of the atmosphere was grief, the weight of which was like the warm hand of a doctor, pressing down, searching, understanding what's below the skin and promising healing. Some of the atmosphere, though, was pity, which felt like foodpoisoning. "Those poor boys - they adored him." I didn't need it, not now, not ten years later. Couldn't they see I'm all grown up? Maybe they didn't know it's been ten years. Maybe it hadn't? My head dropped imperceptibly, and my breathing continued to grow heavier and deeper.

The silence was cut by the opening of a door at the back, center of the room. I felt the richness of the atmosphere flow out the open door; their eyes had all turned. I did not move, hoping I could continue breathing the thick grief, but with a couple more breaths, its healing movements were evacuated. Unburdened, I turned to see.

Before my head could get around, I was standing and in the aisle and moving backwards, away from the ghost moving along the ceiling toward me. Transfixed with fear, I backpeddle faster, stumbling as I neared the stage. The people, all still sitting, watched with realized expectation, devoid of response. The ghost, familiar and tremendum, matched and then increased my speed; headed, it seemed, directly for my chest. The coffined stage halted my frantic retreat. In a moment just long enough to realize I wasn't trapped, I changed gears and shot down a side aisle toward a possible escape. Within three steps, I realized I may be over-reacting, that the ghost was my father and his destination was finally the coffin, so my head turned, like that of a jockey's, but found my Father's ghost upon me. I dropped to the floor as though trying to avoid a low flying plane, and my heart jumped ahead of me, fearing its impending death. The ghost swept over me, with the wind of all the world at its heels, and my heart was caught up in the whirlwind. My father halted at the exit, and, without haste, went through the closed door. I got up, and with unbearable fear, began to follow my heart out the door.

As I laid in bed
sweat now coming to me,
and with it the possibility of movement,
I unfolded my hands
and reached out to replace my heart safely inside.
But I could not get a hold of it,
and for three days I walked around
completely afraid of and confused by
what I had no choice but to follow.

ATFP -

I'd like to know what you think of this:



http://www.myatfp.com/

Christ

Christ is born
again today eternally
In slums and playgrounds
and bedrooms born
Above waves and upon falling feathers borne
Along the strings of fiddles
and in foolish preaching voices borne
Within forgiveness and sin and rage born
In brilliant nightmares and ghoulish theophanies born
With the groanings of creation
and every movement of Creator
he is born
again and again born
before us and from us and
by us borne
in and for all
forever born again